


Atlas

by vanitaslaughing



Series: hesperus, or: stargazing in insomnia [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bad Puns, M/M, Puns & Word Play, this entire thing is chaotic evil.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 21:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13621581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanitaslaughing/pseuds/vanitaslaughing
Summary: Ignis was skilled in many fields. He had taken up cooking simply because ‘otherwise you’d die of malnourishment’, had disarmed Gladio several times in the past, was infallibly on top of the honour roll. He was an impressive talker, a shrewd strategist, blessed with good looks and neither too tall nor too small. A good head on good shoulders, all in all.If only he would stop using his powers for complete evil.





	Atlas

**Author's Note:**

> i have no excuses. maybe it means my friends will be SPARED the terror of these jokes in savage this weekend though  
> though i am an undying fountain of ghost puns  
> ha. undying.
> 
> IGNOCT WEEK 2018 - DAY 3  
> Timed Quest: “Sometimes I can’t decide if I want to kiss you or strangle you.”

Ignis was skilled in many fields. He had taken up cooking simply because ‘otherwise you’d die of malnourishment’, had disarmed Gladio several times in the past, was infallibly on top of the honour roll. He was an impressive talker, a shrewd strategist, blessed with good looks and neither too tall nor too small. A good head on good shoulders, all in all.

If only he would stop using his powers for _complete evil._

It had started when they were children. At around the time the Crownsguard and Kingsglaive had to start using codewords to not incite utter panic whenever Noctis and Ignis sneaked out of the Citadel together. One time they had gotten lost in some district neither of them knew about, and Noctis had been on the verge of tears. Then it had started raining and the two children had hidden underneath a balcony together with what looked like a stray cat. Ignis had simply wanted to cheer Noctis up, because inevitably someone would find them and take them back to the Citadel.

Ignis had pointed at the cat. “This weather’s a cat-astrophe.”

Following that gigglesnort Noctis let out through the veil of tears in the rain, Ignis started doing it more. Eventually he even stopped paying attention to them. Noctis had accidentally turned his best friend into a wisecracking pun machine. And he regretted it, deeply so.

“What do I have to do to make you _stop doing that?_ A royal verdict of some sort? _”_

He’d asked that one evening as Ignis was putting the dishes in the dishwasher. The older teenager did not even look up from where he was standing.

“Perhaps you ought to consider paying me _royalties.”_

“Ignis, for fuck’s sake!”

* * *

It didn’t help Noctis the slightest that he harboured the most embarrassing crush on Ignis. There was nothing worse than falling in love with your best friend – and he was fairly certain that Ignis considered him friend and duty before anything else. Noctis didn’t want to ruin the friendship, he needed Ignis more than even his father at this point. Routine was one hell of a drug, even if all the fleeting touches left Noctis lying in bed groaning. It had to be so glaringly obvious to anyone who wasn’t Prompto or Gladio. Those two were a special brand of hellish, but Noctis tried not to think about it too much.

There were several layers of hell, and wanting nothing more than to see if your best friend kissed as good as he looked had to be one of the lower levels.

It didn’t help that this attractive friend sowed nothing but chaos in his wake if Noctis let him. And Ignis was exceedingly good at everything he did.

That included terrible puns, unfortunately.

There were good puns, ones that worked well in the moment. Prompto was okay enough at these, and they had a classmate who could whip them out almost on command. Many people said that one day she’d be a comedian with the way she twisted words to her favour, and Noctis had to agree with that. Ignis on the other hand cracked them like an elephant in a porcelain store. Completely out of the blue, with little to no warning. They were part of the way he spoke by now, and every single one of them was terrible. It was like standing underneath a guillotine, except the blade was made of terrible wordplays, often at Noctis’ expense.

Whenever Ignis started ping-ponging puns around, Noctis was stuck between wanting to kiss him and wanting to strangle him.

“So, what’s for dinner, Specs?”

“Food,” he said from the kitchen and Noctis rolled his eyes.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious. I was asking what kind of food.”

A moment of silence, and Noctis had to stifle a groan – silence was never good. “Let the question consume you while you wait.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

* * *

At the very least Prompto was not liable to make that kind of joke. He was pleasant to hang around, the whole issue of Noctis being hopelessly in love with Ignis notwithstanding. Prompto had other issues – good lords, at least he was hilarious, but there was something sick about laughing at horrible fetish artwork on the internet. Noctis knew for a fact somewhere out there someone made some of him. He definitely did not want to find that, ever.

“Seriously man, who’d be into that kind of shit? Toes, really?”

Unfortunately for Noctis, Ignis was in the room as Prompto laughed.

“Let’s not toe around the elephant in the room – some people in your class are toe-tally into that; better not drag your feet.”

Three. Three foot jokes in a single sentence. Noctis grabbed a cushion on the couch and buried his face in it. That moment of silence as the horrible puns settled in; he could imagine Ignis grinning to himself from the table he was filling forms out on.

Eventually Prompto chortled in confusion. “Aight if you… say so...”

“No need to shoot yourself in the leg.”

Noctis groaned loudly. He didn’t see, but he was fairly certain that Prompto was staring at Ignis now. That long, silent look between someone who had just stared into the abyss of puns and the creature that had crawled from it.

“...”

“Though perhaps your appreciation for such things will _inflate_ in the years to come, Prompto.”

Noctis tossed the pillow away. _“Get out of my fucking apartment.”_

“No need to get all tied up about this, Noct.”

“ _Out!”_

“Very well, if that is what you desire. Lest I overstay my welcome by milking this for all it’s worth.”

Prompto just fell over on the couch. Ignis was emanating this smug aura of utter chaos and revelry in the horrible, horrible things he had just said – though he did leave through the front door as Noctis had ordered.

He let him back in an hour later. Then immediately kicked him out when Ignis said that the huge hands of fate saw it fit to let him back in.

* * *

Noctis had to admit he was curious about those books now. He said he would read them, and Ignis nodded.

“You’ll appreciate them as much as I myself did.”

The evening was young, and they had it all for themselves. Ignis’ apartment was still sterile as it could be, but it had charm. A bit of time passed, with Noctis winding up lying in Ignis’ lap. They’d not been unofficially together for too long, but after all that time of wanting to kiss him, it felt good finally being able to do so whenever he wanted. As long as they were somewhere private. Ignis was playing with his hair, the TV was running some nonsensical show neither of them really watched, and Noctis was enjoying this for as long as he possibly could.

“Hey,” Noctis eventually began, “do you remember that conversation three years ago?”

“You’ll have to specify that. Three years ago is a rather long time.”

Noctis rolled his eyes. “The one where you were filling out forms while Prompto was being Prompto and was therefore showing me weird freak shit on the internet.”

“The one you spend uncomfortably squirming as Prompto all but--”

“Whatever you’re about to say, don’t.”

“Or what? You’ll pee on everything I love?”

Noctis sat up to frown at his boyfriend – Ignis did look disappointed that Noctis’ head was no longer in his lap for a split second. Noctis only sighed. “Sometimes I wish I could _strangle_ you.”

“Are you quite sure that that kind of talk does not belong in the bedroom rather than choking the atmosphere out here?”

“Stop it!”

* * *

“You know,” Ignis began slowly, “all things considered this could have gone worse.”

Noctis buried his face in the pillow. “I can’t believe your clothes went flying out the window like that. I’m _sorry_ , Ignis.”

“Eh.” He waved his hand nonchalantly, with a smile on his face. “There’s worse things than having to call upon the Marshal of the Crownsguard to help you retrieve your clothing from a roof. I would rather be in a state of cold shock than a state of undressed panic.”

“Did you… really just...”

“Something about being with you just makes my heart go right out of the window. Sadly my heart is soft and made of fabric and could really use a washing machine now.”

Noctis opted for kissing him instead. While seriously wishing he could strangle him right now. He let Ignis know as much, and his advisor only laughed and said he would not exactly be opposed to either.

* * *

“Did you hear my dad pushed Ardyn and Gilgamesh – pardon, Greg Ferox – onto Cor? They live with him now.” Whatever Ignis had made, there were greens in it. Noctis did not particularly want to eat these as usual and merely shoved them through the broth with his spoon instead of eating.

Ignis hadn’t commented on the greens thing yet, thankfully. He slowly chewed and swallowed before shrugging a little. “That does sound rather unfortunate. E- _greg-_ iously bad for poor Cor.”

“That’s it. I’m breaking up with you.”

Ignis stood up from his chair and walked over. Ignis just planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Love you too, Noct.”


End file.
